CHRISTMAS?!

Oh, how I loathe Christmas.

I know that's strange. (Or not.) As a Christian woman, I'm supposed to embrace The Wonder of the Season, and all that. But I hate it. Why?

1. Expectations. Everyone (and don't think I can totally avoid them) expects me to decorate, bake, decorate some more, donate to charity, feed the poor, stuff stockings, and produce The Perfect Gift for everyone. I hate all of this because I never meet expectations.

2. The Magic of Christmas. The Magic of Christmas doesn't exist. Christmas is a birthday party. I say we serve cake and go home. The American Magic of Christmas is summoned by a VISA card, and we all know it.

3. Calories. Does anyone get out of the holiday season without gaining ten pounds? Do you know how long it takes me to lose 10 pounds? TEN WEEKS. Oh sure, I could show restraint and only eat a tiny bite of only the best of the treats, but you know that's not going to happen. Not with rum balls around. (See number 4 below.)

4. Gifts. The lovely women in my homeschool group somehow manage to hand-dip chocolates for everyone in the group. (If you're tight with the queen bee, she'll teach you!) I barely have time to keep up with my homeschooling and housework. And I still don't do them well. How on Earth will I ever find 20 hours to make sweets for everyone?

5. That Nauseated Feeling on Christmas Day. After months of planning, cooking, sewing, buying, wrapping, and generally falling short, I find myself on Christmas morning, lying on the couch full of chocolate, feeling nauseated from lack of sleep, disappointment, and sugar.

6. Christmas Lists. "Be good and he'll bring you everything in your Christmas Alphabet!" Oh sure. But there are 75 things on your list. You know Santa can't do all that. But I want it! Then the husband plays the "But he'll only be x years old once!" And I throw in the towel in disgust.

Oh sure, you say, SIMPLIFY, YOU IDIOT. Yeah. Which part?

Last year I didn't make sweets for the playgroup women, and felt really guilty. They're so nice to me, and I can't find a few hours to cook?

I like my minimalist decorations outside, but no one will help me. We put up two bush nets (white), a string of icicle lights (white), and a rope-light palm tree. And no one will help.

The Christmas tree? Ugh. How I hate it. We put it off until after The Husband's birthday on the 13th, and it comes down after Epiphany. It reminds me of the glittering wonderland that will never be my house. And the glittering gifts that we will never shower on each other. (Have you priced those stained glass birds on the Acorn web site? Ouch!)

Yes, Christmas is a reminder of how I fall so terribly, terribly short every day.

So, you say FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO LIKE ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

I love classical music. I love Advent. I love lessons and carols. I love singing the dinner blessing with an Advent wreath. I love Handel's Messiah. I love children in Velveteen dresses. I love Christmas Eve services. I love those little German nativity scenes with the candles that make it turn. I love fresh pine boughs.

My children hate all of these things. With a passion. Last year, we got out the Advent wreath, and my daughter screamed like we were going to light her instead. The Boy refuses to go to concerts and will make me regret any that I take him to. Both children hate the Christmas Eve services, as it interrupts their television time and makes them dress up and go to church at the wrong time of day. And don't even think about delicate, lovely decorations. And how I hate doing things myself at the Time of Togetherness and Love.

So, what to do? Move to Swaziland for the month of December? Organize the hell out of it and conquer it before December rears its ugly head? What? Is it too late to become Jewish?

Please help...