The secret to child discipline, according to Auntie

Well, I'm at my brother's house, out of state. No one has killed anyone, which is good. And we're all getting along pretty well.

I have, however, added child-rearing to my list of things I don't discuss with my brother. Why is it that I can order my girlfriends around, and they either say, "Oh, good idea!" and ignore me, or they just plain ignore me, but my brother says things like, "I know you think I'm just your baby brother, but I do have a brain!" Jeez. If he had gotten half of what my sister and I have from my mother, he'd know that listening is optional. Actually taking the advice is just weird. I swear to the living God, if my mother had said, "You know what you really OUGHT to do..." one more time I'd have shot her.

The Boy and Small Cousin (age 4) have been at it hammer and tongs. Until last month, she's been an only child. Nothing happens in this house without her approval. Her parents talk tough, but she's not fooled. She whacks The Boy with a throw pillow because he won't let her play his DS, and he whacks her back, so she cries, "Auntie, he hit me!" Uh-huh. Did you hit him first? And how'd that smack feel? Uh-huh. Maybe he doesn't like it either. Live and learn babe, live and learn. You can almost hear the lights turning on in her brain.

For the most part, The Boy is being very kind and helpful to Small Cousin, taking her outside to blow bubbles, letting her poke his DS occasionally, amusing her in the restaurant. The hysterical part is that she's a bad influence on him. Yup, she talks him into doing things he KNOWS are wrong. I heard her telling him, "I know Mom says no, but it's okay! C'mon!" He can't say I didn't warn him.

See, I'm from the "natural consequences" school of thought. If you smack someone, they may smack you back. Hmm. Maybe you shouldn't do that. Hmm. If you leave the table during dinner, someone may eat your ice cream. Hmm. Maybe that's not a good idea either. After all, I DID promise you that I would. The problem is that tough love is hard on everyone. "I promised you that if you didn't do X, you wouldn't be able to do Y, didn't I? Sorry, that ship has sailed. Move along."

The trick? The secret to handling kids? Shhh. Don't tell anyone, now.

DISENGAGE.

Yup, you have to appear not to care if they scream the paint off the walls. You cannot let them see you grit your teeth, you can't yell at them when they Do Wrong. You just implement the consequence (or let it happen by itself) and tell them that you did promise that it would happen.

After 10 years, I think I care little enough about their "hurt feelings" that I can let it go. Too bad they'll be teenagers soon. And when I try to pass on this wisdom to the younger generation, they refuse to listen. It's enough to make you scream.

Disengage, dear. Disengage.