MY version of a Proverbs 31 wife...

This week the liturgy included Proverbs 31 -- the perfect wife. As I sat, thinking snarky thoughts, this is what I came up with.


A worthy woman who can find? For her price is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband trusteth in her, And he shall have no lack of gain.
She doeth him good and not evil all the days of her life.

10 Who can find a perfect wife? Her value is far beyond that of a BMW.
11 Her husband trusts her with his best power tools, and she’s a “keeper”.
12 She works to do him good, not bad, all the days of her life.


She seeketh wool and flax, And worketh willingly with her hands.
She is like the merchant-ships; she bringeth her bread from afar.
She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth food to her household, and their task to her maidens.

13 She buys fabric at Jo-Ann’s with coupons and works that sewing machine.
14 She is like a tractor trailer, bringing food from Costco.
15 It’s still dark when she gets up to get a nourishing breakfast casserole in the oven and gets the kids moving on the chores.


She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
She girdeth her loins with strength, and maketh strong her arms.
She perceiveth that her merchandise is profitable: her lamp goeth not out by night.

16 She buys and sells on eBay, and from her earnings she buys a Cricut machine.
17 She puts on her big girl panties and gets to work.
18 She balances the checkbook and never forgets to pay the electric bill.


She layeth her hands to the distaff, and her palms hold the spindle.
She stretcheth out her palms to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

19 She dyes her own yarn and knits her own sweaters.
20 She remembers the food drive at school and never forgets when the church rummage sale is.


She is not afraid of the snow for her household; for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She maketh for herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is fine linen and purple.

21 When Christmas comes, she has no fear for her household, since all of them have matching outfits.
22 She makes her own quilts; she wears dresses she designed and made herself.


Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
She maketh linen garments and selleth them, and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

23 Her husband is known around town when he plays golf with the other council members.
24 She sews cute baby clothes and sells them at craft fairs; she weaves table runners for Etsy.


Strength and dignity are her clothing; and she laugheth at the time to come.
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and the law of kindness is on her tongue.
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

25 She goes to rhumba and tones her arms; she can laugh at the days to come.
26 When she opens her mouth, she speaks wise things she saw on Pinterest; she never nags.
27 She keeps up with the housework and doesn’t lie around eating bon-bons.


Her children rise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her, saying:
Many daughters have done worthily, but thou excellest them all.

28 Her children get up in the morning; they eat what she feeds them; her husband too, as he praises her:
29 “Many women have done wonderful things, but you’re the best, Baby!”


Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth Jehovah, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her works praise her in the gates.

30 Southern charm wears thin, good looks will give out, but a woman who fears God should be praised.
31 Let her keep her blog profits; let all the women she knows hate her.


See? It translates *perfectly*. We hate her so...